Nurturing the Needs of Children

What Do Children Really Need?

This is a tricky question to ask ourselves and answer. All children, parents, and situations are different. However, I do believe that there are a few core principles, values, and elements that all children need to develop their potential, find their purpose, and thrive:

A Safe, Loving, and Nurturing Environment

A safe, loving, and nurturing environment can take many forms, and what might be safe under certain circumstances might be considered unsafe under different ones. For instance, I’m always in awe when I see videos of very small children, two or three years old, cooking with fire, often on the ground and using knives. I find this fascinating. Even with all my years of experience in Montessori environments, where children prepare meals and use knives, glass, and chinaware, this takes independence to a whole new level. We might be tempted to think that it is unsafe and even unreasonable to allow children to use fire and sharp objects, when in fact, it is the opposite because, in their case, it would be riskier if they did not know how to cook with fire or use knives if their environment requires it. When you see those little hands carefully handling hot and sharp objects and the evident joy and pride this children get from their contribution to their families, it is clear to me that they are safe; of course, there’s the risk of them getting burned or cut, but children who are kept away from kitchens often are at more risk because they don’t know how to handle themselves in the kitchen.

Growing up means we are at risk of falling, dropping things, and getting hurt; that is how we learn to be more careful and mindful. I’m not suggesting all children should know how to cook with fire; I’m saying that all children should feel safe in their environment and be given the means and boundaries to create safety for themselves as well.

A safe, loving, and nurturing environment is one where children know cognitively or intuitively that they are being taken care of, even if this is by older siblings, that they are loved and appreciated, and that their intellects and spirits are honored, challenged, and nurtured.

To nurture a child’s intellect and spirit is to foster independence and create an environment where they can feel challenged and have a great chance of succeeding. That is, providing opportunities for them to solve problems, discover things on their own, learn from others and their mistakes, and have a peaceful space where all this can take place.

We, as adults, are here to set them up to succeed and create an environment where this is possible. If we want them to learn how to use scissors, we provide paper and scissors, show them how to use them safely, and then let them do it. If we want them to be good at making decisions, we give them opportunities to exercise their decision-making muscles. If we want them to learn from their mistakes, we encourage them to make reparations where they have erred. If we want them to understand cause and effect, we allow them to take responsibility for their actions and enjoy or suffer the consequences.

We cannot learn or experience any of these things for them. We cannot learn or experience anything for them, period. Yet, this is what we try to do all the time. We feed them so they don’t spill the food or soil their clothes; we help them with their homework a little too much, meaning we do it for them; we make choices for them; we give them “one more,” meaning too many chances and prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions; we don’t let them help around in the house so they don’t mess things up, or get wet; we don’t let them climb so they don’t get hurt.

The message we are quietly and perhaps unknowingly giving them is: I’ll live your life for you because I don’t trust you are capable and because it is more convenient for me.

We then expect them to be successful, independent adults as soon as they leave the nest, even though we rarely give them the chance to try.

We might not let our children use knives, but we watch the news next to them. They might not cook with fire, but we argue and raise our voices in front of and even to them. We might protect them from the weather and from catching diseases, but we fail to protect them from the harmful messages we consciously or unconsciously transmit to them. We might be mindful of what foods we feed them and be mindless about the words we use around them.

Everything in their environment matters. Their home might be in perfect order, clean and decluttered, but if their lives aren’t, it doesn’t matter. Situations and objects around them need not be perfect, but they need to have congruence. We need to be congruent.

Which takes me to the second thing that all children need:

A Positive, Strong Role Model

People often ask me how I raised my son because he turned out to be a great human being. To be honest, there is not a straightforward answer. I was 17 years old when I got pregnant and 18 when I had him. I didn’t know anything about raising a child, and although there are many things I would have done differently, one thing I did well and it worked. I always knew the kind of person I wanted him to be, which is the person he has become now and the person I had to become in order to raise him: an integral, loving, kind, and happy person. So, to the best of my ability, I taught him manners, the importance of having consequences, to treat everybody with kindness and respect, and to enjoy the little things and choose to be happy. And as I taught him those values and principles, I learned them myself because you cannot give what you don’t have or receive what you don’t give. That doesn’t mean I was always a kind, loving, happy person, but I did my best and still do.

Having a child made me aware of my personality traits, habits, words, actions, and even my energy. I chose to be the role model he needed me to be, and when I made mistakes, I apologized, and I still do. Even though he is a young adult now, I am still working on being the role model he deserves.

This might sound like a cliche, but cliches are often universal truths: You need to work on yourself first; you need to put on the oxygen mask first. You cannot ask your children to behave in ways you don’t and vice versa. You cannot ask your children to speak Mandarin if you speak French unless they teach them Mandarin at school, but you get the point.

If you want your children to read, read to and next to them. If you want them to be kind, show kindness to them and others. If you want them to have manners, model those manners. If you want them to exercise, you do the same. If you want them to eat healthy foods, only keep healthy foods at home. If you want them to be humble, show humility. If you want them to be honest, tell the truth. If you want them to not complain, stop complaining. If you want them to be happy, share your happiness with them.

One of the most wonderful things about children is that they are teachable. They look to us for guidance. We have such a precious opportunity to make good impressions on them and foster good habits and principles that will serve them for life, and we also have an enormous responsibility.

The first six years of life are the most impressionable; we effortlessly learn at a super high speed as our brains are being shaped. It is also when negative patterns and limiting beliefs emerge. We have a responsibility to our children and the world they live in to become positive, strong role models and foster the environment they need and deserve. That doesn’t mean our children seven and up are hopeless! If we adults can unlearn what doesn’t serve us in order to learn what does and to heal, so can children of all ages.

It is never too late to make the necessary changes and adjustments to become strong, positive role models they can look up to throughout their lives and give our children the opportunity to be the best versions of themselves.

Time, Space, and Freedom

Children need time to develop. This may seem obvious, but just think about how often we rush children to move at our pace and how often we expect them to do what we think they should be doing or what we see other children their age doing.

When children learn to read, it is one of the most marvelous experiences a human can have. As they start putting words and sounds together, discovering the meaning behind those words, and then connecting words to form sentences, you can see their eyes light up, and the excitement they feel is contagious. It can also be a deeply frustrating experience for them and their parents or teachers if they are pressured to read when they are not ready. It is not only frustrating but detrimental to them and their development. I saw this again and again when I was a teacher; either the school or the parents decided it was time for them to read and write, and children were forced to do that, and the results were usually negative. The same goes for teaching children how to use the bathroom. There are ways of knowing when a child is ready to start reading or to use the bathroom, and we as adults and guides need to be ready and alert for those signs and then and only then begin either process. We can greatly interfere with a child’s sense of worthiness and capability if we don’t.

Children have a natural tendency to grow, learn, and develop. If given the means and opportunity, all healthy children will “get there.” By “there,” I mean whatever we want them to accomplish, but nobody does well under pressure, let alone children. Our job is to provide the tools, space, and guidance they’ll need when they are ready.

Children need space, and I’m not only talking about physical space and dimensions. They need space, period. Have you ever tried to learn something new without being given the space to do so? It is not fun, and it only makes us nervous or hinders our performance. And we do this with our children all the time. Yes, we need to keep an eye on them, but we also need to give them space and the opportunity to try things on their own, to fail, and eventually learn. They also need space to play on their own or with other children. We think we need to sit next to them and talk all the time. If we step aside, we make space for their imagination, creativity, and intellect to develop without our interference. There’s time for everything, times when you’ll play with them, and times to let them be.

Children need freedom. They need the freedom to be, to explore, to fall, to get dirty, to say yes or no, to run, to create and to imagine, to work on what they choose to work on, to pick their clothes, to express themselves, to sign, to dance, to choose who they’ll become. You probably think this is idealistic and that if given the freedom to do all these things, they’ll turn into wild, uncontrollable, spoiled kids, and this would be true if we would give them freedom without boundaries.

Which takes me to the fourth thing that all children need:

Discipline and Boundaries

We all need boundaries, and children are not the exception. Think of boundaries as the ropes you hang on to when crossing a hanging bridge. How scary and unsafe would it be to cross a hanging bridge without something to hang on to?

Person crossing a hanging bridge in the jungle

Children need the freedom to explore and the boundaries to do so in a contained and safe environment.

Using some of the examples above, this is how freedom and boundaries can coexist:

They can explore, run, fall, and get dirty in a safe enough space for children, one we have previously scanned for major hazards. Homes, classrooms, and parks are good examples, and so is nature within certain boundaries.

They can express themselves through art as long as their expressions are respectful and age-appropriate.

They can choose what to work on or play with when their environment is rich with learning opportunities. A classroom with the right books and materials and a home with didactic toys and access to everyday objects they are safe to play with are places where children are free to explore and follow their own inner guidance; children instinctively know what they are ready to learn and they find opportunities to do so if the means are available to them.

If you don’t want them to stay in front of a screen all day, restrict their access to them.

They can choose what to wear when we give them a few reasonable and weather-appropriate choices.

Children love having the freedom to choose. They become more engaged and independent when they are given this right. We set boundaries by only allowing them to choose when they actually have a choice. We don’t ask them: Do you want to go to school, to the store, etc? When they can’t say no. In that case, we just say: We are going to the store; what shoes do you want to wear, sneakers or boots? As they grow, so do their choices, and if they’ve been practicing their entire lives, so does their ability to make sound decisions.

Children also need discipline and routines, and the best way to teach them discipline and establish healthy routines is, of course, to be disciplined and follow healthy routines ourselves.

All the little habits we were taught when we were young shape our life. We do them a huge favor if we raise them with discipline and good habits.

Finally, all of this is made possible by giving them:

Love, Patience, and Acceptance

We all need love! That is well known, and while we are naturally wired and prone to give children our love, we often condition that love and often don’t show it, maybe because we don’t know how to or because we grew up in families where love expressions were rare. Our work is to become aware of how often we let our children know they are loved and accepted exactly as they are and whether we do that at all.

For some of us, expressions of love come naturally and are a big part of who we are. For some of us, it might be hard and even awkward to express our love; we might even think that would make us soft and interfere with the discipline we are trying to teach our children when the only sane way to teach discipline is with love. Discipline comes from discipulus, the Latin word for pupil, which also provided the source of the word disciple. Children who feel loved are more likely to follow and trust us. We can impose disciplinary actions, but that can only foster a sense of resentment, and those actions might quickly be forgotten as soon as they are not imposed; they do not produce real changes or have a positive, meaningful influence on our lives.

How loving are our words? How loving are our attitudes?

We can see parenting chores as a burden or do them with love, but not both. Raising a child is a privilege not everybody enjoys. How aware are we of that fact? How aware are we of the fact that our children will not be children forever and that those precious moments we share with them are brief and must be cherished?

We can let go of our need to control every aspect of our children’s lives and trust that they will become great human beings if we guide them with love and create a safe and nurturing space for them because that potential exists in every one of us.

If you remember one thing about this piece, remember this: You are here to give love to your child, to be a custodian of their space, to keep them safe, and to guide them through life. What an honor that is! What an extraordinary job!

Parenting is not always easy, but it can be joyful and deeply rewarding. We need patience as much as children do. Love, patience, and acceptance tie everything together.

No matter your family’s situation, all children need the same things to thrive. Don’t try to fill in the gaps with things that are not important. Just as your children need space and time, so do you. Give yourself the time you need to recharge and reconnect with the wise parent you already are, especially when challenging situations arise, and you will know what to do and say. Breathe. Declutter your and your child’s mental and physical space. Make way for simplicity and connection. Enjoy the journey and be grateful for it.